Tearing Drops
by Dark Closure
Summary: Michelangelo's thoughts as to why he is to blame. Character death


Tearing Drops

(Tearing as in ripping)

"He was fine, all of my damn life he had been the older brother that was fine. There were times when he was condescending, times when he had snide remarks that stung my very heart. But the occasional smile and punch to the shoulder told me that whatever was causing the rift between us was dealt with and we could be friends again.

"I prided myself on video games, but honestly, I only got good at them because he was good at them. I wanted to show him how much I had learned from him. When I got better than him, well… he wasn't happy about that nor proud but he liked the challenge. But what really brought us together was the fact that he protected me. It wasn't like he shielded me from the world, or gave me life lessons that I needed to know in order to survive. He gave me protection in a different way. He offered his hand when no on else saw me reaching out.

He teased me a lot too, telling me I was dumber than the others but always finding some way to make up for the remark…" I looked down to the cup of coffee in my hands. I don't even like coffee, but here it was in my hands; the dark liquid listening just as intently as the person I was sitting across from. The coffee table between us seemed… lonely and barren with only a tissue box and one magazine.

Why was I here again?

"So," the human across from me adjusted in the soft seat they sat on. "You were close then."

I didn't look up, my brows furrowing. I never thought about it like that. He was my brother, but was he my favorite? Was I his? I didn't want to think, my head hurt already from crying earlier that day. So I gave a shrug of my shoulder, "I guess. I mean, sure… maybe."

The person moved again, they probably thought it was weird that I was talking to them of all people. It wasn't like we were close, I barely knew her. Sure she was there on Christmas and a few times me and my bros had helped her, but other than that… she wasn't exactly someone that was kept up-to-date on things that were happening in our little mutated lives.

"So you liked to play video games with him?"

I knew what she was doing. She was trying to get me to think about the positive things in life. Admirable for someone so young, but it didn't help the poisoned hole in my chest.

"Yeah."

"Like what kind of games?"

"Mostly fighting games."

It was silent once more, the ticking of the clock the only sound in the room besides her breathing. Myself, my breath was stole some time ago. Stilled in my throat, chilled in my chest, and chocked in my lungs along with my heart beat.

She cleared her throat. I slowly glanced up catching her dark eyes and her messy purple hair. She looked sad and like she had just crawled out of bed, but I know in her eyes I look worse. I was pratically naked in her family's front room. I left my mask… My mask wasn't with me, my arm, wrist, and knee pads still sitting next to my bedside. But she gave me a scarf to wrap around my neck, the scratchy wool barely warm enough to ward away the cold that was building. The blanket around my shoulders felt as cold as the frost outside.

I haven't slept in several days, it's been like that for a while. I'd get a few hours sleep and then stay up to watch over him, get him what he needed. Help him get up, help him calm down when another attack tried to snuff out his life's flame. The whole time I had to smile, I had to watch and be the one to act like everything would be okay. I had to hug Splinter and reassure him that it would be alright, I had to keep Leo focused and Donnie from burning himself out.

"So… how long had he been sick?" Angel crossed her legs, her pajamas looking too large for her tiny body.

How long? … It has felt like years. I put down the cup of coffee she had made me down on the coffee table, "Almost six months."

"…It's funny," she was having a hard time looking at me now. The dark rings under my eyes making me look like I was going to become just as ill with in a few hours. "He was so lively… you know, just a little while ago."

"Yeah," I look away, just so she doesn't have to focus her gaze on the trinkets on the shelves of her home. "… 'just a little while ago'…" He choke on my next tiny breath, as the line that cracked my heart open started to thicken. It really had been only a few months ago that he would hit me and give me some sort of derogating comment. If I could get rid of those years that were carved away from my soul from those very short months then I could think it was just yesterday he was exercising and brimming with energy.

"Back then," I licked my dry lips in thought painting a sad smile on my face. "… Back then, he was always throwing punches, he was always willing too…" My eyes started to sting and I couldn't remember what I was talking about, all I could do was remember how useless I was. I couldn't do anything for him. To make sure he ate, drank, and got his medicine… It wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to leave his side to tell Father all the lies of everything will be alright. I robbed him of his chances taking those few hours of sleep.

I lowered my head farther, feeling the weight of my sins as I fully wept.

I had killed Raph. My brother, my poor brother. I killed him because I couldn't do enough, all I could do was smile and try to get him to laugh that annoying laugh of his like when we were younger.

I could feel the tears spilling through my fingers, pooling in the creases of my palm as I confessed everything to Angel. How for two weeks I had neglected him because the others were watching him. I told her all about how I watched him and couldn't do anything at all. How I couldn't yell at Donnie to work harder like Leo because I thought yelling wouldn't help. I confessed I stopped hugging Splinter because I was too focused on myself as I made sure Raph still had the energy to sit up.

I was the cause of all of this. Me… because I couldn't do anything.

She got up from where she sat, and rounded the table. Taking a seat next to me she wrapped her arms around me and gave me a tight hug, one that I have pined for, for what seemed like sixty years to my aged soul. And all I could do was hold her back and cry more, my breath hissing through my teeth as I remembered waking up that horrible hour next to Raph's lifeless body. I had only been asleep for fifteen minutes, only fifteen minutes. I passed out kneeling next to the couch he was laying on. I couldn't forgive myself. Not after the sting of Splinter's words telling me it wasn't my fault. Not after the burn of the hugs my two remaining brothers gave me. I didn't deserve their love.

Because I fell asleep…

Because I killed Raphael.

End


End file.
